Okay…time to share my soul a little. I’ve been perplexed
lately. My perplexed-ness is connected to blogging. Here’s the deal:
As you know I’ve been fairly open and honest about my
struggles. There are a few things I’ve chosen not to blog about but for the
most part if you’ve been reading along, you know me well. I couldn’t ask for a
more gracious, accepting, caring group of people than those of you I’ve come to
know through blogging. My recovery community is also a place where acceptance
is freely given. I feel so fortunate to have a place to go where no one keeps
track of my past wrongs. What a relief. I used to wish I could find that kind
of community in church. I no longer think that’s possible. I’ve come to the
realization that the church is often as sick if not sicker than the rest of the
world. I attend church because I think there may still be a place in my life
for religion. I attend AA because I know there’s a place for spirituality and
community. As I’ve said before, the church could learn so much from the
recovery community, but that’s a different topic.
Back to my perplexed state. I’ve become more and more aware
that the entire world is not in recovery. Acceptance is not the norm. People are
addicted to names and labels and they’re often unable to look past them. When
some people find out that I’m a recovering alcoholic they throw me into their
preconceived little box of what a recovering alcoholic is and then immediately
write me off. I realize it’s their
loss. They’ll never know that I have many good qualities and that I’m probably
healthier in many ways than most of the people they spend time with…people who
carry around secrets because they have no safe place to lay them down. But
still, I’m left wondering what to do. I know that when I write about my
recovery journey it’s sometimes helpful to people. The emails I receive tell me
that. I love the idea of being able to help someone else. I also like the idea
of possibly teaching people that those who struggle with addiction should not
be dismissed or thought less of. Individuals in recovery are the strongest,
most courageous people I have ever had the privilege of knowing.
I’m sure you’ve figured out what my perplexing dilemma
is…shall I keep writing about recovery or not? So many good things are happening
in my life. There are many more good things on the horizon…things I’ve only
dreamed about before. I find myself worrying that this blog will be a detriment
to those dreams materializing. It’s SO hard for me to admit that. In some ways,
not blogging about my alcoholism would be like denying a huge part of my
existence. I suppose that sounds a little theatrical. The bottom line is that
I’m very confused. Here’s what I’m considering; I think I may keep this blog as
somewhat of a recovery blog and password protect it. I’ll then give the
password out to people who email me. My other blog, Totalily, would be kept for all the other
things I write about. I can easily delete all the past recovery related posts. This
almost feels like taking a big step backwards…like trying to be someone I’m not.
(sigh…)
Any thoughts, opinions or suggestions? Please. With sugar on
top.
